I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
