hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
