How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
