I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
