I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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