apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My balls are so social today.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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