UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
