So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
