The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
