There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
