I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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