remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
