the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
