4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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