i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
