Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
