I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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