Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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