my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she peed on how many people?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
