Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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