Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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