My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
