I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Small penises have feelings too.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize