What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
