I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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