Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
