I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
