Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
