whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
