did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
