if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize