A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
