ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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