He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
