There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
