The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
