Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
