please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
