My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
