my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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