My liver just broke up with me...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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