dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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