Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
