I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
