woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
