i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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