I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Randomize
