How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
