how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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