she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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