I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
