all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
