I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize