So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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