Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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