What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
