She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
