I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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