she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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